Transformation

"For they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God"-John 12:43

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The last church I was a member of, before the LDS church, was a transformation ministry church. Their mission was to "save" college kids. Meaning, to help them get to know Jesus Christ, give their life to him, and find a good church that they could develop Christ-like qualities... I am paraphrasing here, but it's hard to capture in a single blog how amazing that church is, and has/had been, in my life. It impacted me greatly, and helped me to understand the bible a little more.  Essentially, that church was a preparatory church for where I am today. My entire life really has been a transformation.

Think back to someone you knew from high school... someone you either loved or hated. Where are they today? Are they were you thought they would be? Do you still hang out with anyone from high school? If so, are they exactly the same? Have you had the chance to have a high school reunion? Or run into someone you have not seen in a very long time? Is that person the same exact person from 5, 10, 15, 20+ years ago?

What makes us change and transform? Some people claim we never change, the only thing that changes is our point of view, but isn't that a change? Even if it's only from the books we read and the people we meet? Think back to when you were 5 years old (or however far back you can think). Do you remember the class bully? Do you think he is still that way? I've watched my 7 year old brother play with other kids around his same age and noticed something special that, dare I say, most adults do not have: the ability to quickly forgive and forget. Kids would rather just play and have fun. Sure, they get their feelings hurt, but it's so much more fun to forgive and play then it is to sit and cry----or like adults do, point the finger, blame, gossip, and hurt some more. 

The greatest miracle humans have is the ability to forgive one another and forget. I'm not suggesting becoming a walking target that can be easily taken advantage of, God gave us whits for a reason. I'm talking about letting go of things that just keep hurting us more and more, over and over. We humans have these great fantastic minds and imaginations, but they are so many times put to bad, negative or improper use.    

I can think of countless times I have "let my mind go wiled" with imagination of bad things happening, in work and relationships. I'm guilty of suspecting an innocent person of lying to me. I've imagined worse case scenarios when it comes to what my test score might turn out to be (when I was in school), or what my sales might be like for the month, or *gasp* what would happen if my boyfriend found a better woman (which would never happen, fyi). 

So, as humans, we find it hard to forgive for many reasons, mostly because of made up stories in our head. I'm confident when I say we've all said the following in our head, if not out loud, "Well, she's wrong, and I'm right, so she should be the one asking for an apology and then I might forgive her." OR

 "If I apologize, that means I'd be admitting I was wrong, and I'm not the wrong one, I didn't do anything wrong, so I have nothing to apologize for.....they have to come around and apologize to me first, they were in the wrong, not me." OR

"I know I shouldn't have done/said that, but they started it, and therefor I was just in my actions. Besides, they were more wrong that I am."

----forgiveness with conditions that need to be met, that's what we have in the above situations----

I am reminded of two scriptures from the New Testament. One is from Matthew 23:12, "Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted." Another from Matthew 18: 21-22, "Then came Peter to him, and said, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" Jesus said unto him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.""

As I understand it, there are some that read my blog that either do not have a faith or do not believe Jesus in our savoir. Some think religion is a crutch. Well, to those, this might not impact them as much (if at all). As for me, I love "my crutch," and will forever and ever. Jesus goes on to give a parable of forgiveness:

23¶Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would ^atake account of his ^bservants.

 24And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents.

 25But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be ^asold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made.

 26The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.

 27Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt.

 28But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him ^aan hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest.

 29And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.

 30And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt.

 31So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very^asorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done.

 32Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that ^adebt, because thou desiredst me:

 33^aShouldest not thou also have had ^bcompassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had ^cpity on thee?

 34And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him.     UAdd a Note 

 35So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts ^aforgive not every one his brother their trespasses.

I'm not sure why it aways surprises me that people have double standards. Some are so quick to judge and condemn others, but just as quick to forget when they were once in that position. 

"But MY situation is different"--- circumstances my be different, the debt may be higher or less, but it all comes back to the same ability we all possess, the ability to forgive. 

I believe the ability to forgive is what's in the heart of the transformation process. I was baptized into the the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints almost 7 months ago. The change in my didn't happen over night, in fact, I'm still going through changes and will continue for years. No one changes over night, old habits are hard to break. But I have given up a lot of things and made a lot of life-style changes. I've had to sell, donate, or throw away half my stuff in order to start my new life out here in Utah. I've moved away from all of my family in the hopes of starting a new life out here. I thank the Lord for modern day communication that allows me to stay so connected with everyone. 

I will continue to believe there is good in people even when no one else can see it. I will continue to forgive those who some believe, "don't deserve it." 

I know I am a good person, even though I have not always made the right decisions at the right time. My heart is in the right place. It seems I have those who choose to believe lies that that have been spread about me because from their point of view, they believe they really happened. That's fine, I belive life is 10% what happens to us and 90% of how we react to what has happened to us. There is a reason I am living 100% on my own and not what and where some other person dictates. People will have their opinions, that's the great agency the Lord has given us: we can choose what we think and how we react. I choose to believe some people will never change unless they have something life altering happen to them which forces them to want to change.... and even then, that change happens slowly- I am a living testament to that! 

Why some people read this blog and some don't, I have no idea. I don't write hoping to capture a lot of readers or even change people---- there is a 99% chance no one's life is going to be drastically changes by what I write, so, truthfully, I write for me. :-) mostly because it's something I really enjoy and it helps me to think and ponder. Like the warning in my first (or second?) blog on this site, this blog is for me-but feel free to stop, ponder, and think with me. :) Complaints? Comments? Concerns? I welcome them all! (please, be PG-this is a public blog...for now). 

Forgive me if this blog makes little or no sense, I've had a lot on my mind tonight, and it's now 5am. Good think I can sleep in tomorrow-er-today. :-) 

My talk and trip to AZ

My talk went very well, for all those who don't already know. I'm still having people come up to me to tell me how much they liked/appreciated it. I went over 5min, but I think I stayed under 10min. It was great, because the guy going right after me used to be Isaac's roommate when Isaac and I first started dating. That helped, because I felt a little less nervous having someone up on stage that I knew. Also, Isaac was sitting in the back, and right over to my left side were some warm familiar faces from the apartments Isaac used to live in. the talk felt good, and even though I wasn't really trying for it, I was told I was pretty entertaining (had people both laughing and emotional). 

My trip to Arizona was awesome! Isaac was awesome and drove most of the time. We enjoyed the scenery mostly, and talked about future plans to take another trip when we have more time to enjoy the actual drive... ya know, like stopping off and doing some site-seeing.

Stayed at Christine's house the first night and woke up to an awesome breakfast. Went to my dad's Saturday morning for a minute, but he was in a hurry to get down to Tucson for Heather's baby shower. So, we went to the Mesa Temple, then over to Chuck's so he and his wife could meet Isaac, then we drove down to Tucson right after. It was so awesome seeing Chuck. Even though we couldn't stay long, I felt as though Chuck got to know Isaac enough to give me the thumbs up. 

Looking like a hotty 

still trying to figure out with the spiking things are, I tried telling him not to touch it

Mesa Temple

    I tried to patch things up with Heather (the sister who kicked me out of her wedding)-bought her tons of gifts for her baby and was willing to put everything behind me, but before I could say a single word she just freaked out and claimed I was trying to make the day all about me because I brought Isaac along. ...the things that go through that women's head, I'll never understand. Oh well, I tried and everyone knows it, but not even Jesus could make everyone like him (not saying I'm Jesus or anything, but there were those who made him look like the evil one too). At least I got to see some of my family (albeit was for a very short time). 

     Instead of tucking my tail and boo-hooing the day away, (yes, I did cry) but I didn't miss a beat. Isaac and I jetted over to the Pima Air and Space Museum; it was like watching a kid at Disney Land for the first time. Ever since Isaac was four years old he's known he's wanted to be a fighter pilot flying F-16's. All his life he's done everything with that goal in mind. Now, Isaac's in the Air Force ROTC program and we will know by March sometime if he gets a pilot slot (I have no doubt he will). (I love a goal oriented man)

This image captures the essence of what Isaac is feeling

Isaac is so happy :) 

This one was HUGE! 

I think Isaac said this is the aircraft NASA uses to help the guys experience zero G's

We didn't see any F-16's, but this is a fighter craft of some sort, I think

And a big THANK YOU to all the men and women who serve in the military for this beautiful country!

Always looking up :) 

That night we hung out with Marisa for dinner and Katie and Fabio for dessert. Stayed at Marisa's house that night and she baked us some of her yummy cookies to take back with us. 

The next day we went to the Binghampton Ward sacrament meeting, then stopped by the Ray's to say hi real quick. 

This trip was not nearly long enough! I wish we had a least a week so I could take Isaac all around places in Arizona---we could go through the Hover damn, see the Grand Canyon, head all the way down to Toumbstone, check out the caves... oh! AND There are sooooo many people to see we didn't get a chance to see this trip. 

too little time

Ever feel like there is so much to do and never enough time to do it?

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed lately. Sometimes it's just nice to sit and veggitate, however, I find when I do that, I just become irritated thinking about all the things I need to do or accomplish.

I haven't really had time to settle into my new place. Boxes and clothes are littered everyone, just because I really have no place to put them. Truthfully, I'm waiting for my bookshelf, so I can start decorating and arranging my stuff around that. It's a huge bookshelf my boyfriend made for me for m birthday. :-)  He's pretty busy with school right now, so hasn't had the chance to put the finishing touches on move it over here. 

I love my new job! Right now I get a little flustered because I'm wanting to know how to do everything right now, and I know that's going to take time. 

Isaac and I are planning on visiting Arizona in a few weekends. Just for a quick day trip so he can meet the family. His family is awesome, and I've met pretty much everyone now, but he hasn't met anyone in my family, so he's a little nervous. Funny thing is, he really has nothing to worry about. My family is pretty accepting of everyone--- but if they don't like someone, they wont hesitate to tell them either. I'm more worried about all the hours of driving. Alone, I'm fine. With someone else, I tend to get a bit irritable. Long road trips aren't a problem for me, I've done them plenty of times...alone... should be interesting.

This Sunday I'm speaking in the Stake conference. Got a call Thursday night asking if I would give a five minute talk on my conversion story. FIVE MINUTES?! It's going to take longer than that, OR a miracle to get what I want to say down to five minutes. But who knows, I might just end up talking super fast in front of 800 or so people. 

Oh! And for anyone who's reading this that's not on facebook, I got a new phone number. Feel free to comment on here and ask for my number if you would like it. I don't want it published. :)  

State Fair!

When I was a kid I looked forward to going to the Arizona State fair to ride rides. Get a wrist band and ride as many rides as humanly possible and watch dad waist tons of money on games that are impossible to win. Those are some awesome memories. 

 Just went to the fair this last weekend with Isaac and friends, and I totally look at the fair differently. Now, I look forward to the amazing food and free events. The rides are no longer that appealing, and I figure the games take more money than worth it.  My fav was the funnel cake and sea lions. Oh, and company was good too ;) 

Me and Isaac with the Sea Lions... they felt like carpet

Looking Up

Things are looking up!

I was working at a call center for a few weeks, but just got hired on by another company working for the kind of pay I want: a decent base plus commission and health benefits. YES! Selling insurance is great for the ambitious types that want to make a boat load of money. Let's face it, who wouldn't want a ton of money? I know I could sure use it, but that's not where my drive is. It took a long time, and it was hard, but I finally had to admit to myself it was no longer for me.... or at least for now. I just need a break form door-to-door constant cold calling. 

My new job starts on Monday; I'm so excited and nervous! 

I found a new place to live and lucky, it's still in my ward's boundaries. Hopefully I'll get moved in this upcoming week sometime. My roommate isn't LDS, but she is a nice, quite, mature gal that's graduating and getting married at the end of this school year. It works out perfect... since, ya know, things are going pretty well with me and Isaac, looks like I'll be needing to move at the end of May as well. Not making any big announcements yet, that's still a few months out. ;) 

If you're not on facebook, you should be! I've just posted a ton of pics of me and Isaac. I LOVE HIM!!! Each day that goes by I grow more and more attracted to him. 

There is something about me though, I find the closer I get to him, the more I try to push him away. Maybe it has something to do with all my failed relationships. I think it's some sub psychological thing: the greater things are, the more I find something wrong. I even go so far as to pick fights with him about the silliest stupidest things that mean absolutely nothing. I'm just so grateful he's such an understanding and forgiving guy, but everyone has their limits, and I need to somehow find a way to just calm down and let him in. 

Isaac and I went to the temple this Friday and did baptisms. Afterwards, he stated that we should try to go once a week together. Funny, it was my idea when I first came to Logan to do baptism once a week since I only live 8 minutes away (rather than the 2 hours in Tucson) from the temple. I've gone three times now, which is about once a month. With Isaac taking 20 credits this semester, and me working 40 hours, I think it'd be a good goal to at least go once a month together, then more if we can individually. 

Going to the temple is just a great way to feel the spirit and grow closer to God. Oh! And last Sunday I got my patriarchal blessing! It was so great to hear. It's one of those things I wish I could just share with everyone, the experience and the words, but it's very sacred, spiritual, and personal, only to be shared with close family... unfortunately, most of my close family would have no idea what I am talking about. BUT, I will have the chance to change that... hopefully soon  :) 

Even though almost none of my family are members of the church, I still love them very much. I call my dad at least once a week to get updates on how the family is doing. The boys (my 4 brothers that still live at home) seem to be doing good. Donovan still loves school (he's 7 years) and Harley (15 years) just started playing football, which is loves almost as much as his girlfriend. The other two should be out of the house, but at least one is going to a community college and the other working towards his GED. The oldest of my brothers is still living in Tucson as far as I know, not sure if he's still married or not... My sister Heather, well, she's still not talking to me, and my oldest sister Dori in Colorado is still living the fun single life. Hopefully I'll get the chance to visit her while I'm doing my training for work in Denver. 

Me and Isaac at Bear Lake on Labor Day

Wow, long update. I should try to get on here more often...

This Moment and past

Lemme just give ya all an update on "Jen's Life" I know I've designed this blog to be about random thoughts, but as you might see, there are blogs that are very personal that I don't entirely mind sharing with the world, in hopes that it will help others too.

That being said, I'm going to give you some random rants and updates about my life

Work:
Seems to be the biggest one in people's lives (or school). In my life work sucks right now. The main reason being, I severely lack the self-discipline to go out and work the schedule how the company suggests. It's simple: work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, 48 weeks out of the year, and you can make about 50K before taxes. So why is something so simple so hard??? I have too much freedom, I over complicate things, I'm a perfectionist (which leads to procrastination), and I take things way to personally. Solution? I have been looking and applying to many different jobs. However, the ones that are hiring are for about $10 or less an hour, and are terrible. However, they have structure. 

I've financially dug myself into a hole that I don't know that I can ever get out of. IF I turn myself around, kick myself in the butt, and go out to work like the company suggests, then I can see things turning around. Sad though, I can work for four hours, not have a single sale, and then feel like giving up. UGH! It doesn't work like that. Sales is the toughest job out there for a reason, not everyone CAN do it. That's right, not everyone can do it. Sure, some people are convinced that they could do it IF they wanted to. But if they are not doing it, then it's because they can't. Still with FHL, but I'll give you an update if I chose to go elsewhere. 

Church:
Still loving the gospel, nothing's changed there. 

Like some, there are days that are tougher than others. Like when I have someone who I know is LDS blow me off the porch or be really weird and kinda mean towards me. I've found it's a different culture up here in Utah. There are some I highly doubt believe that the church is true, but stick around for fear of not belonging because they were raised in the church. That's sad, but in a way I understand. Hey, it wasn't easy for me to come into the church, I had a lot of people who thought I did it for a boy, and maybe they still think that, but I know the truth. 

I've been involved with the church a good deal now. Got called to be on the activities committee first, then get a higher calling to be a co-chair. At first I was scared because I have no idea what the activities committee even does. But, I've since kinda figured it out a little (only been at it a week and planned on event). I'm told it's kinda like for everyone too, not knowing what to do at first, but learning it, then moving on, haha, should be fun. 

This past Sunday I was asked if I would speak at next Sunday's sacrament meeting. Wow. I was suprised, but excited. My topic? "Hope and Perseverance" Really?? hahahaha, perfect. I've heard people who go up to give the talks start off with, "Putting together this talk has helped me more than anything." How true. Well, let's hope ;) 

Relationships:

My boyfriend Isaac came back from boot camp on Saturday. We've been spending almost every hour we can we each other. He makes my heart go pitter-patter. :-)  He's such an amazing guy. I'm not going to go into too many details here, but let's just say, things are going great.

I'm still not entirely sure where I "fit-in" up here. I've met a ton of people, a lot of them through Isaac, but then again, all of them through the church. I think because I've met Isaac so soon, it's been hard for me to reach out and become friends with others because I want to spend all my free time with him. I need to find other friends here. I have my wonderful friend Marisa back home, and I wish so much that she was here. She has been my rock through these past few months, I don't know what I would have done without her. I've got several people back home that I'm friends with, ya know, the kind I can call up and just go hang out, but I haven't developed any of those friendships here. Maybe that comes with time. Time and me getting out of my comfort zone. How can people get to know me if I don't reach out to them? Guess I'm the one holding back, mostly because I don't feel like I deserve to hang out with friends because I'm not putting in enough work effort. I need to work before I can play, right? It's not that I'm lazy, I love working, I just have a fear, the same fear that keeps me from reaching out to people to be their friends, fear of rejection. 

Last Sunday someone gave a talk on what I've been trying to do, "Live for the present" I'm also reading a book called, "The Power of Now" both are helping me to see a great perspective on life. 

When I'm worried about the past, I get down on myself, when I look to the future, I tend to picture worst case scenarios. When I'm in the present I feel really good. Like when I played kick-ball yesterday evening with my ward. It was fun! I was laughing, running, having a great time just being with the people there. There are times when me and Isaac are together, I am in happy land just being around him. BUT there are times, when I'm not as active, that I just sit around, worry and think too much. Nine times out of ten, those thoughts are bad. They even effect my dreams. I want to live for this moment. Whenever I'm in the moment, I feel just right. Too many times I am "waiting" for something to happen. Waiting for the day my financial troubles will just go away. Waiting for the perfect job to come along. Waiting to get married. Waiting to have kids. THEN when all that happens, things will be good. How much time do we spend just waiting?? It's takes effort, but I really have to learn how to live for the moment. It's refreshing when I do accept the moment for what it is, rather than what it might be or what it might turn into. Living in the moment is the best feeling ever. 

At this moment, I am sitting comfortably in my chair typing away. I have no pain in my body. I like the feeling of typing and the noise it makes. .... but even still, I find my mind likes to drift and wonder to places of worry, YUCK! Oh well, live and learn, that's the name of the game, right?