Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Tuna Sandwich

Growing up we were poor. I knew we were poor, but I never thought we were super poor or anything, more like lower middle class. But here's the thing about "poor" it can be relative. So relative to the people I went to school with, more than half were better off than we were, but there was still a handful that was way worse.

Standing here blogging, I'm eating a tuna sandwich, and while its so yummy, there's a taste of bitterness that goes into making every sandwich. Thinking back to a summer spent with my father (my parents separated when I was about 5 years old so every other weekend and holiday was with dad as well as summers) I must have been about 8 or 9, maybe a little older, and I made myself a couple tuna sandwiches. My step-mother comes into the kitchen and starts yelling at me for only making two sandwiches out of one can of tuna and not four. I mean, this woman didn't just get a little upset, she looses her shit for a good whole five minutes on how she can get four sandwiches out of one can and that I can't just think about myself when making food.
Well dang, I felt terrible for my mistake, but to this day I still can't understand how she got four sandwiches. Look, I can get three, tops, but four? More than that, who freaks out over a can of tuna? How's that for poor? A can of tuna back then was what, maybe 60 cents? Was is really about a can of tuna then? Or was it that my parents were on again off again drug users? And how many questions can I fit into one paragraph?

These are random thoughts I have over every day activities. I don't want to screw up my kids so I end up question myself a lot and it's exhausting.

Friday, June 16, 2017

Wost Part of My Day

Momma (or is it mama? mah-ma) is in a funk.

Can I tell you the worst part of my day?

The worst part of my day is mornings, when I go into my closet and see nothing. Nothing. Yes, there are lots of clothes on the hangers, pants on the shelf, a pile of dirty clothes in the hamper, but there is nothing that fits me right. I should be thankful I have any clothes at all, but my clothes are outdated, out of season, stained, too small or too big, and in a word- ugly. At one point they looked great, maybe. But even great clothes can look bad on the wrong shape, and that's my problem right now, I'm the wrong shape.

So there I stand, staring at a closet full of clothes, hating my shape and I just want to cry. And sometimes I do. What a lovely way to start the day, huh? I've been living in leggins and the style (if you can even call it a style) is getting old. What about a girls night out? Skirts are my go-to, but I don't always feel like wearing a skirt and sometimes it's too windy or cold.

Why don't you just go an buy new clothes, Jen (assuming I'd even have time)?

Here's my delema, I'm between sizes. I can squeeze into a size 8, and even though my tummy bellows over my jeans, the legs fit great. Or I can go to a size 10, and the legs are way too wide and long and when I sit the back puckers out exposing my granny panties; Ya know, because finding underwear that covers my entire bottom doesn't exist (thank you freaking Victoria Secret, 20 year olds, and ladies with tight buts who set fashion trends for the rest of us). Oh, and shirts! Because I'm breastfeeding I now have ginormous breasts that fluctuate in size throughout the day. My 13 year old jr high self would be in amazement right now and rejoicing. What my 13 year old self failed to realize is that it's next to impossible to find a flattering shirt that doesn't also make me look like Shamu because I'm a little top heavy these days. And to add to all of it, I'm pretty fashion sense inept. I have zero concept of fashion trends or how to pull them off with my stubby little cherub figure. Do you all realize fashion trends are set for those 5' 7" and over?? 

Yes, my body has built and pushed out two beautiful humans, but right now I'm in a total funk. So many thoughts running through my head. I should be okay with where I am now. About 10lbs heavier than when I got pregnant and only 11 weeks postpartum. But I'm pissed that this body of mine doesn't look good in anything. I'm upset none of my clothes fit right.  And I'm sad I haven't bought new clothes in a while because I'm waiting to "get my body back".

I don't share all this with you to get sympathy/empathy or even ask for words of encouragement. I share because I know there are more out there like me. A wonderful woman and friend of mine has offered to take pictures of my family and for one reason or another we've had to reschedule. I confessed to her that I was dreading taking pictures because of body image insecurity. She laughed and said, "oh, so you mean you're dealing with postpartum crap?" It was great seeing her write that out, because it reminded me I'm not alone. Many women go through exactly what I described above, but it's not something we all talk about. So here's a lovey reminder, this time can suck right now, but like I told my husband last night, sometimes I need a good cry, time to listen to sad music, take a nice long hot shower, sleep, and in the morning things will look better.

Thoughts running through my head:

there is no happiness without sadness
there is no pleasure without pain
there are no friends without foes
beauty does not exist without ugly
peace wouldn't be a word without war
there is no life without death
You can't be filled if you've never been empty
      I believe we make our own heaven and hell right here on earth, and without one you don't have    the other. I have made a heaven of hellish things and other times knocked my heaven right out of the sky.
     There absolutely needs to be balance in all things of life. "working towards perfection" does not exist without mistakes.
And finally, there is no renewal without first being trashed.

There is my ode, little pieces of my mind.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Different Journey

It's been a long while since I've posted anything on this blog. A LOT has changed. There are "people" who say "people don't change". People do change, but rarely do their personalities change.
For example, I am very strong willed, at times stubborn, empathetic, sympathetic, trusting yet skeptical, enduring, excited, lover of life, overthinking, run-on thoughts, talkative, thoughtful, lover of the arts, self-absorbed, giving, care to much what others think, .... I was going somewhere with this... forgetful. Seriously, I'll probably have complete memory loss by the times I'm 50.  It's as if I have so much running through my mind I get distracted by other thoughts that are more important than the ones I thought were important.

Isaac and I left the "Mormon Church". Shocking considering the level of conviction I portrayed in this blog. Those feelings and thoughts were very real at the time, and now I want to go and smack myself upside the head and say, "What were you thinking!". I am more careful what I tell people I believe or don't believe, but that doesn't mean I keep it all bottled up or that I'm ashamed of what I do believe.

Yes, I am what most would call "atheist". Which, I have learned is not someone who believes in "nothing", but rather, someone who does not believe in a theistic god. Sure, we all started out from something somewhere. I do not have the answer to where and what as I am sure many of you who are reading this think you do based off a book or personal experience. Maybe you are right, but maybe you're not. But I assure you I do believe in something, and that something is the HUMAN spirit. It has taken me a while to figure this out, maybe I'll hash that out in another blog.

Lets be real, these blogs are for me to run through my thoughts and maybe have you glean some sort of insight or open your mind a little into my brain's inner-workings. I have pissed people off with my words (unintentionally, I can tell you), so please, don't take any of my words as personal attacks.

My thoughts continue to develop as I get older. I find myself getting bitter towards those who are younger, yet seem to have it all figured out (as I once did). It's hard to not constantly compare myself to others. With that being said, I am very happy in my life right now. There are times I stress out, but I have taken steps to learn to better control my stress. I 100% believe in self improvement, and for each individual that journey is different. Setting goals makes me happy, and letting go of people's negative opinions is at the top of my "to-do" goals. Turning away from a church who's fellowship made me happy was one of the hardest things I've done (not the hardest, if you know me you know I've had many struggles). Being true to what I believe regardless of what others may think is the part of me I have stayed true to: being bold in the face of adversity.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Southwestern Company: Remember the Pony Sales School

This was a message I have listened to many many times when selling in my summer. But it's a good one just for life. :-) Enjoy!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Pastor Jeffress

After listening to Pastor Jeffress heated discussion claiming that "Mormons" are not Christians and that all "Mormons" are going to hell, and no "real Christian" would vote for someone who is "Mormon" I got waaaaay defensive. It also helped me to realize how strong and firm I am in my testimony and faith of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the actual name of the church, NOT the "Mormon" church. 
Why are there so many people that want to take down the church? Why are there so many people... "Christians" that claim they "know enough" to know that we are not Christians?

My logic is this:
Atheists don't believe in anything.
Christians believe in Christ's teachings. 
Latter-day saints (aka "Mormons") believe in Christ's teaching and that there is a modern day prophet to lead and guide the church today (instead of having a million and one different interpretations of the Gospel of Jesus Christ).

The Atheists say to the Christians, "I don't need your make believe God. You are dumb for believe such an old folk tail, get real."
The Christians say to the Mormons, "I don't believe there was anything past the book of Revelation, the Holy Bible is enough, I don't need another book or a modern day prophet, you're so stupid/mislead for believing a man and a made up book."
The Mormons say to all, "we have the whole truth, all we ask is that you have enough faith and trust to at least ask God of the truthfulness (not some website, not another book about Mormons, not what other people think). 

If someone was truly being honest with themselves, and not so worried about what others think, they too might have the peace and happiness I am experiencing (not to say they don't already, but since when do we stop growing and developing and determine "I don't need more peace and happiness than what I have right now?") My life is far from perfect, I have struggles with health and with work. God doesn't take those struggles away, he just gives me a way to better deal with my trials. As a Latter-day Saint, I try my hardest to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ, but heck, I am FAR from perfect. There are days you might swear I have no belief, and on that day, I just might really be struggling, feeling lonely, depressed, angry for whatever reason: I AM HUMAN. But God gave us a way to peace and happiness. In my darkest hour I can at least turn to Him and he will always be there. 

Sunday, September 4, 2011

And then there were two

So, I know I have been neglecting this blog, but frankly, most of my life doesn't revolve around just me any more, it's me and my husband, Isaac. That being said, it get's confusing typing up two blogs, so my focus (as it has been) will be on my "other" blog, that involves me and Isaac (but since he doesn't blog, it's really still my thoughts). PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE feel free to subscribe, we (um... I) love to read everyone's thoughts and comments. 

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

The Lovely Bones

Not exactly sure why this is a best seller... eh. The entire time I read the book, I was just wanting to get to the end. A little too dark and slow moving for me. I hear the movie is a LOT better. Let's hope so. 
Next, I'm taking Courtney's advice, tomorrow I am picking up the book, The Help