This Moment and past

Lemme just give ya all an update on "Jen's Life" I know I've designed this blog to be about random thoughts, but as you might see, there are blogs that are very personal that I don't entirely mind sharing with the world, in hopes that it will help others too.

That being said, I'm going to give you some random rants and updates about my life

Work:
Seems to be the biggest one in people's lives (or school). In my life work sucks right now. The main reason being, I severely lack the self-discipline to go out and work the schedule how the company suggests. It's simple: work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, 48 weeks out of the year, and you can make about 50K before taxes. So why is something so simple so hard??? I have too much freedom, I over complicate things, I'm a perfectionist (which leads to procrastination), and I take things way to personally. Solution? I have been looking and applying to many different jobs. However, the ones that are hiring are for about $10 or less an hour, and are terrible. However, they have structure. 

I've financially dug myself into a hole that I don't know that I can ever get out of. IF I turn myself around, kick myself in the butt, and go out to work like the company suggests, then I can see things turning around. Sad though, I can work for four hours, not have a single sale, and then feel like giving up. UGH! It doesn't work like that. Sales is the toughest job out there for a reason, not everyone CAN do it. That's right, not everyone can do it. Sure, some people are convinced that they could do it IF they wanted to. But if they are not doing it, then it's because they can't. Still with FHL, but I'll give you an update if I chose to go elsewhere. 

Church:
Still loving the gospel, nothing's changed there. 

Like some, there are days that are tougher than others. Like when I have someone who I know is LDS blow me off the porch or be really weird and kinda mean towards me. I've found it's a different culture up here in Utah. There are some I highly doubt believe that the church is true, but stick around for fear of not belonging because they were raised in the church. That's sad, but in a way I understand. Hey, it wasn't easy for me to come into the church, I had a lot of people who thought I did it for a boy, and maybe they still think that, but I know the truth. 

I've been involved with the church a good deal now. Got called to be on the activities committee first, then get a higher calling to be a co-chair. At first I was scared because I have no idea what the activities committee even does. But, I've since kinda figured it out a little (only been at it a week and planned on event). I'm told it's kinda like for everyone too, not knowing what to do at first, but learning it, then moving on, haha, should be fun. 

This past Sunday I was asked if I would speak at next Sunday's sacrament meeting. Wow. I was suprised, but excited. My topic? "Hope and Perseverance" Really?? hahahaha, perfect. I've heard people who go up to give the talks start off with, "Putting together this talk has helped me more than anything." How true. Well, let's hope ;) 

Relationships:

My boyfriend Isaac came back from boot camp on Saturday. We've been spending almost every hour we can we each other. He makes my heart go pitter-patter. :-)  He's such an amazing guy. I'm not going to go into too many details here, but let's just say, things are going great.

I'm still not entirely sure where I "fit-in" up here. I've met a ton of people, a lot of them through Isaac, but then again, all of them through the church. I think because I've met Isaac so soon, it's been hard for me to reach out and become friends with others because I want to spend all my free time with him. I need to find other friends here. I have my wonderful friend Marisa back home, and I wish so much that she was here. She has been my rock through these past few months, I don't know what I would have done without her. I've got several people back home that I'm friends with, ya know, the kind I can call up and just go hang out, but I haven't developed any of those friendships here. Maybe that comes with time. Time and me getting out of my comfort zone. How can people get to know me if I don't reach out to them? Guess I'm the one holding back, mostly because I don't feel like I deserve to hang out with friends because I'm not putting in enough work effort. I need to work before I can play, right? It's not that I'm lazy, I love working, I just have a fear, the same fear that keeps me from reaching out to people to be their friends, fear of rejection. 

Last Sunday someone gave a talk on what I've been trying to do, "Live for the present" I'm also reading a book called, "The Power of Now" both are helping me to see a great perspective on life. 

When I'm worried about the past, I get down on myself, when I look to the future, I tend to picture worst case scenarios. When I'm in the present I feel really good. Like when I played kick-ball yesterday evening with my ward. It was fun! I was laughing, running, having a great time just being with the people there. There are times when me and Isaac are together, I am in happy land just being around him. BUT there are times, when I'm not as active, that I just sit around, worry and think too much. Nine times out of ten, those thoughts are bad. They even effect my dreams. I want to live for this moment. Whenever I'm in the moment, I feel just right. Too many times I am "waiting" for something to happen. Waiting for the day my financial troubles will just go away. Waiting for the perfect job to come along. Waiting to get married. Waiting to have kids. THEN when all that happens, things will be good. How much time do we spend just waiting?? It's takes effort, but I really have to learn how to live for the moment. It's refreshing when I do accept the moment for what it is, rather than what it might be or what it might turn into. Living in the moment is the best feeling ever. 

At this moment, I am sitting comfortably in my chair typing away. I have no pain in my body. I like the feeling of typing and the noise it makes. .... but even still, I find my mind likes to drift and wonder to places of worry, YUCK! Oh well, live and learn, that's the name of the game, right?