Tuna Sandwich

Growing up we were poor. I knew we were poor, but I never thought we were super poor or anything, more like lower middle class. But here's the thing about "poor" it can be relative. So relative to the people I went to school with, more than half were better off than we were, but there was still a handful that was way worse.

Standing here blogging, I'm eating a tuna sandwich, and while its so yummy, there's a taste of bitterness that goes into making every sandwich. Thinking back to a summer spent with my father (my parents separated when I was about 5 years old so every other weekend and holiday was with dad as well as summers) I must have been about 8 or 9, maybe a little older, and I made myself a couple tuna sandwiches. My step-mother comes into the kitchen and starts yelling at me for only making two sandwiches out of one can of tuna and not four. I mean, this woman didn't just get a little upset, she looses her shit for a good whole five minutes on how she can get four sandwiches out of one can and that I can't just think about myself when making food.
Well dang, I felt terrible for my mistake, but to this day I still can't understand how she got four sandwiches. Look, I can get three, tops, but four? More than that, who freaks out over a can of tuna? How's that for poor? A can of tuna back then was what, maybe 60 cents? Was is really about a can of tuna then? Or was it that my parents were on again off again drug users? And how many questions can I fit into one paragraph?

These are random thoughts I have over every day activities. I don't want to screw up my kids so I end up question myself a lot and it's exhausting.

Wost Part of My Day

Momma (or is it mama? mah-ma) is in a funk.

Can I tell you the worst part of my day?

The worst part of my day is mornings, when I go into my closet and see nothing. Nothing. Yes, there are lots of clothes on the hangers, pants on the shelf, a pile of dirty clothes in the hamper, but there is nothing that fits me right. I should be thankful I have any clothes at all, but my clothes are outdated, out of season, stained, too small or too big, and in a word- ugly. At one point they looked great, maybe. But even great clothes can look bad on the wrong shape, and that's my problem right now, I'm the wrong shape.

So there I stand, staring at a closet full of clothes, hating my shape and I just want to cry. And sometimes I do. What a lovely way to start the day, huh? I've been living in leggins and the style (if you can even call it a style) is getting old. What about a girls night out? Skirts are my go-to, but I don't always feel like wearing a skirt and sometimes it's too windy or cold.

Why don't you just go an buy new clothes, Jen (assuming I'd even have time)?

Here's my delema, I'm between sizes. I can squeeze into a size 8, and even though my tummy bellows over my jeans, the legs fit great. Or I can go to a size 10, and the legs are way too wide and long and when I sit the back puckers out exposing my granny panties; Ya know, because finding underwear that covers my entire bottom doesn't exist (thank you freaking Victoria Secret, 20 year olds, and ladies with tight buts who set fashion trends for the rest of us). Oh, and shirts! Because I'm breastfeeding I now have ginormous breasts that fluctuate in size throughout the day. My 13 year old jr high self would be in amazement right now and rejoicing. What my 13 year old self failed to realize is that it's next to impossible to find a flattering shirt that doesn't also make me look like Shamu because I'm a little top heavy these days. And to add to all of it, I'm pretty fashion sense inept. I have zero concept of fashion trends or how to pull them off with my stubby little cherub figure. Do you all realize fashion trends are set for those 5' 7" and over?? 

Yes, my body has built and pushed out two beautiful humans, but right now I'm in a total funk. So many thoughts running through my head. I should be okay with where I am now. About 10lbs heavier than when I got pregnant and only 11 weeks postpartum. But I'm pissed that this body of mine doesn't look good in anything. I'm upset none of my clothes fit right.  And I'm sad I haven't bought new clothes in a while because I'm waiting to "get my body back".

I don't share all this with you to get sympathy/empathy or even ask for words of encouragement. I share because I know there are more out there like me. A wonderful woman and friend of mine has offered to take pictures of my family and for one reason or another we've had to reschedule. I confessed to her that I was dreading taking pictures because of body image insecurity. She laughed and said, "oh, so you mean you're dealing with postpartum crap?" It was great seeing her write that out, because it reminded me I'm not alone. Many women go through exactly what I described above, but it's not something we all talk about. So here's a lovey reminder, this time can suck right now, but like I told my husband last night, sometimes I need a good cry, time to listen to sad music, take a nice long hot shower, sleep, and in the morning things will look better.

Thoughts running through my head:

there is no happiness without sadness
there is no pleasure without pain
there are no friends without foes
beauty does not exist without ugly
peace wouldn't be a word without war
there is no life without death
You can't be filled if you've never been empty
      I believe we make our own heaven and hell right here on earth, and without one you don't have    the other. I have made a heaven of hellish things and other times knocked my heaven right out of the sky.
     There absolutely needs to be balance in all things of life. "working towards perfection" does not exist without mistakes.
And finally, there is no renewal without first being trashed.

There is my ode, little pieces of my mind.

Different Journey

It's been a long while since I've posted anything on this blog. A LOT has changed. There are "people" who say "people don't change". People do change, but rarely do their personalities change.
For example, I am very strong willed, at times stubborn, empathetic, sympathetic, trusting yet skeptical, enduring, excited, lover of life, overthinking, run-on thoughts, talkative, thoughtful, lover of the arts, self-absorbed, giving, care to much what others think, .... I was going somewhere with this... forgetful. Seriously, I'll probably have complete memory loss by the times I'm 50.  It's as if I have so much running through my mind I get distracted by other thoughts that are more important than the ones I thought were important.

Isaac and I left the "Mormon Church". Shocking considering the level of conviction I portrayed in this blog. Those feelings and thoughts were very real at the time, and now I want to go and smack myself upside the head and say, "What were you thinking!". I am more careful what I tell people I believe or don't believe, but that doesn't mean I keep it all bottled up or that I'm ashamed of what I do believe.

Yes, I am what most would call "atheist". Which, I have learned is not someone who believes in "nothing", but rather, someone who does not believe in a theistic god. Sure, we all started out from something somewhere. I do not have the answer to where and what as I am sure many of you who are reading this think you do based off a book or personal experience. Maybe you are right, but maybe you're not. But I assure you I do believe in something, and that something is the HUMAN spirit. It has taken me a while to figure this out, maybe I'll hash that out in another blog.

Lets be real, these blogs are for me to run through my thoughts and maybe have you glean some sort of insight or open your mind a little into my brain's inner-workings. I have pissed people off with my words (unintentionally, I can tell you), so please, don't take any of my words as personal attacks.

My thoughts continue to develop as I get older. I find myself getting bitter towards those who are younger, yet seem to have it all figured out (as I once did). It's hard to not constantly compare myself to others. With that being said, I am very happy in my life right now. There are times I stress out, but I have taken steps to learn to better control my stress. I 100% believe in self improvement, and for each individual that journey is different. Setting goals makes me happy, and letting go of people's negative opinions is at the top of my "to-do" goals. Turning away from a church who's fellowship made me happy was one of the hardest things I've done (not the hardest, if you know me you know I've had many struggles). Being true to what I believe regardless of what others may think is the part of me I have stayed true to: being bold in the face of adversity.

Southwestern Company: Remember the Pony Sales School

This was a message I have listened to many many times when selling in my summer. But it's a good one just for life. :-) Enjoy!

Pastor Jeffress

After listening to Pastor Jeffress heated discussion claiming that "Mormons" are not Christians and that all "Mormons" are going to hell, and no "real Christian" would vote for someone who is "Mormon" I got waaaaay defensive. It also helped me to realize how strong and firm I am in my testimony and faith of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the actual name of the church, NOT the "Mormon" church. 

Why are there so many people that want to take down the church? Why are there so many people... "Christians" that claim they "know enough" to know that we are not Christians?

My logic is this:

Atheists don't believe in anything.

Christians believe in Christ's teachings. 

Latter-day saints (aka "Mormons") believe in Christ's teaching and that there is a modern day prophet to lead and guide the church today (instead of having a million and one different interpretations of the Gospel of Jesus Christ).

The Atheists say to the Christians, "I don't need your make believe God. You are dumb for believe such an old folk tail, get real."

The Christians say to the Mormons, "I don't believe there was anything past the book of Revelation, the Holy Bible is enough, I don't need another book or a modern day prophet, you're so stupid/mislead for believing a man and a made up book."

The Mormons say to all, "we have the whole truth, all we ask is that you have enough faith and trust to at least ask God of the truthfulness (not some website, not another book about Mormons, not what other people think). 

If someone was truly being honest with themselves, and not so worried about what others think, they too might have the peace and happiness I am experiencing (not to say they don't already, but since when do we stop growing and developing and determine "I don't need more peace and happiness than what I have right now?") My life is far from perfect, I have struggles with health and with work. God doesn't take those struggles away, he just gives me a way to better deal with my trials. As a Latter-day Saint, I try my hardest to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ, but heck, I am FAR from perfect. There are days you might swear I have no belief, and on that day, I just might really be struggling, feeling lonely, depressed, angry for whatever reason: I AM HUMAN. But God gave us a way to peace and happiness. In my darkest hour I can at least turn to Him and he will always be there. 

And then there were two

So, I know I have been neglecting this blog, but frankly, most of my life doesn't revolve around just me any more, it's me and my husband, Isaac. That being said, it get's confusing typing up two blogs, so my focus (as it has been) will be on my "other" blog, that involves me and Isaac (but since he doesn't blog, it's really still my thoughts). PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE feel free to subscribe, we (um... I) love to read everyone's thoughts and comments. 

http://jenniandisaac.blogspot.com/

The Lovely Bones

Not exactly sure why this is a best seller... eh. The entire time I read the book, I was just wanting to get to the end. A little too dark and slow moving for me. I hear the movie is a LOT better. Let's hope so. 

Next, I'm taking Courtney's advice, tomorrow I am picking up the book, The Help. 

Hunger Games

Anyone read these books? They are very popular and I highly recommend them. Easy to read and understand, very entertaining, and they have an extra flair in there for some political and social commentary. No wonder every junior high/ elementary school is having student read these. Remember Gary Paulsen's Hatchet? I think these are better than that. They are currently working on the film that looks like it will be out this spring. I'm so excited! 

I almost want to re-read them, but so soon? That could be over kill. 

Yesterday on my lunch I picked up a library card and a new book to read, Lovely Bones. Only three chapters in and the book has be on the edge of my seat. I might watch the movie too, but I didn't hear the greatest reviews. Same with Time Travelers Wife. I really loved that book, but haven't brought myself to actually rent the movie. Maybe I'll have time this week to watch those movies since Isaac is gone (he would never want to sit and watch those, although he would just to make me happy). 

Any other suggestions for good books people have read lately?

Miracle Drug

I don't have the chance to see the specialist until the 25th of this month, in the mean time, I've been in so much pain it just sucks. The thought of me even being in this much pain in my life (other than when pregnant) never crossed my mind. It's all I can do to drag myself out of bed in the morning, stand on my feet all day at work, then feel like death is knocking on my door by the time I'm off work again. 

For a while, when I got home, I would sit and read the "Hunger Games" trilogy because it took my mind off the pain. Now I am finished with those AWESOME books, and the pain reminder is just there. Isaac is such a trouper. I've not been these most ideal newly-wed wife, but he still loves me so much. The pain causes me to have mood swings, just because I am so uncomfortable I become angry at everything and everyone. I don't like that person. 

Earlier this week I called up the doctor's office and begged for something else. The anti inflammatory drug wasn't doing anything to help whatever my condition is. The next day I had a prescription of prednisone waiting for me. A miracle drug! Almost instantly the pain was gone. In fact, I didn't want to go to bed because I felt so darn great! Too bad he only gave me a week's supply. I assume it's because he want's my symptoms to be there when I see the specialist so he can properly diagnose me. I know prednisone can have some nasty side effects (including mood swings), so I hope there is something else that can make me feel this great. As an example, Friday night Isaac and I went swimming, and I swam a full 1000 meters! I haven't felt this good in soooo long! 

While I'm feeling so good this week, I am determined to get things done. Like cleaning the apartment, finishing wedding thank you notes, and most importantly, exercise!! 

What is it?

Went to the doc today... no, I'm not pregnant, I don't think, lol. I've been having lots of pains lately, mostly joint related. My joints started to hurt right around the time I was training on the triathlon team in college, and some before that too. Well, anyway about a week and a half ago I noticed a slightly painful little bump on my arm. No big deal, looked like a pimple, but turned out to be a hard knot. I've had these before and they usually go away in about a week. Quickly, I got more of these little bumps on both my arms, and now one on my leg. Weird. It wouldn't be that big of a deal if there weren't so many and they didn't have the pain to go along with them. My blood was taken today to try to pin-point what the issue might be. Could be several things, maybe just one, but I am freaking out a little. The big thing it might be is rheumatoid arthritis, or worse. Not sure what's worse... but I'd rather not think about it. Of course I freaked myself out by looking up what they symptoms of of this disease is, and where is comes from, and most importantly, what can be done about it. Nothing good came of it since I tend to be a hypochondriac, yet, I can also be in denial that anything is actually ever really wrong with me. I seem to fit just about every symptom. Great. I'm still hoping the blood work comes back negative, and that's it's something far less severe, like a food allergy. I should know more by Tuesday. The point of this blog? Purely selfish, please, keep me in your prayers. It's kind of a scary time for both me and Isaac. 

One Year

So my one year as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has come and gone. The actual one year mark, I went and got my temple recommend. Such a great feeling. 

Yesterday I went through the temple for the first time, what an equally great feeling. I think what really topped it off for me was seeing my grandparents I have not seen for 10 years, and having them meet my fiancé and soon-to-be grandparents-in-law and sister-in-law. It was all too perfect and beautiful and I loved ever minute of it. The only thing that could have possibly made it better would be if my entire family (and Isaac's) was there. *sigh* I am just so happy right now, and so emotional. I feel like I could burst into tears any moment (tears of joy!) My family is driving up here right now and my super close friends. My heart is bursting out of my chest, I feel so loved. Why can't every day be like this? Every moment filled with so much love? With everything good there is an opposite I guess. 

Thank you to all of my friends for being so wonderful! The next time I blog I will be a married woman, wow, never thought I'd actually see this day come, and it will be here in just a short 24 hours. :) 

Sunday Sacrament Talk

Two days ago I was asked to talk in sacrament meeting today. The subject? Mothers of course. I didn't have much time to prepare, but I threw something together a couple hours before church. From what I am told, it turned out good (but I know people can sometimes be nicer, so I'm pretty sure it was just okay). 

This was a particularly touchy subject for me considering my own relationship with my mom. I was talking to a room full of people who grew up in the LDS church... then there is me, I moved out of my home when I was 16 years old and have had a rocky relationship with my mom as far back as I can remember. But still, she has managed to teach me a few good principles in life, manners, and how to just be respectful to other people no matter where they come from. She has also always encouraged me to be my own person. She never once said anything bad about me joining the church. 

I will never publicly talk bad about my mother, she gave life to me, and for the I am completely thankful and grateful for. No matter my relationship with my mother, I will always love her for that simple fact. 

My talk mostly focused on the women throughout my life that were like mothers to me, be it briefly or long lasting. Of course there is my step mom who loves me as if I were her own flesh. I talked about my 3rd grade teacher, my high school theater teacher, my grandmothers, my aunts, my "Wisconsin" mother (who so patiently listens to me as I ramble on and on about the most meaningless things) my friend Katie who will be by my side the first time I go through the temple, Isaac's mother. I wanted to express to people that God puts in our paths people who will help develop our personality and talents. I am so blessed that I have had so many wonderful women in my life to help me grow into a better person. It's not just one person, or one family, that raises an individual, but rather, it's a whole village. Think about it, more than just your family helped you to develop into the person you are now today. 

I thank Heavenly Father for knowing me so well, and putting the right people in my path to make me the person I am today. I am loved by many many mothers all across the United States, and I am so thankful for all the people who I have come across in my life. I am very much looking forward to the day I can be a mother.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!

Crash Diet

So I don't actually NEED to lose weight before the wedding, the dress fits good. But I've been pigging out a lot the past couple days, and I rally can't gain any weight. It's 3 weeks before the wedding and I just want to look and feel my best. I want to go on a diet for the next 3 weeks and work out every day. Any suggestions? I've got pleanty ideas, but I'm open to suggestions.

I'm an Aunt! Again!

Well, I became an aunt for the first time back in December. My sister, Heather had her first baby, Anontio. 

Now my brother, Harley has had his first baby, Melody. :-) I love to be the aunt that can spoil her nieces and nephews. Hopefully I will get the chance to hang out with the kids too. One is in Tennessee, the other Arizona. For now I get to see pictures and send gifts. Hopefully Melody likes pink, because I sure do!

Babies usually aren't that cute to be until there are a couple months old. You know, when they start to have more facial expressions and what not. Newborns almost never look pretty or cute to me. Honestly, they all kind of look the same. 

I'm looking forward to the day when Isaac and I start to have kids (I'm sure my viewpoint will change on newborns then). We've already planned on waiting a couple years (but if we get a honeymoon baby, then so be it, I will be just as happy). Year one of marriage Isaac will still be in school, and year two he will be going through a very intense pilot training program. But once year three hits, watch out! Baby city here we come!! I pray that we can have kids (you never know), but if not, we will adopt. 

Donovan

Donovan and Me

The only family member that has the closest resemblance of me

I have a 7 year old brother, for those of you who don't know. He is soooo stink'en cute too! Currently, he is in the second grade, and meeting all his standards for learning. I remember at his age I started reading chapter books (even though they were the small ones with tons of pictures). It seems so much more is being expected of kids at such an early age. 

This past Christmas I decided to send my brothers books (well, I sent books to a couple of brothers anyway). For Donovan, I went browsing through the kids books and came across The Magic Tree House series. During my summers selling books door-to-door I would often hear kids talk about how much they loved Magic Tree House books, so based on that, I got him a couple. Turns out, he loves them. Awesome!!

I have now made it my goal to send him these books as long as he keeps reading them (and likes them). Apparently he does, because somehow he got his hands on #4. Too bad because I just send him #3 and #4, but it's that's okay because they are only $4 each. I also have #5-#9 for him. That should hold him over for a while, hopefully. 

First day of second grade

I remember when all I used to do is read. I LOVE IT! Hopefully, if Donovan can continue to like school, he will stay on the right track. Only time will tell. 

He is also involved with Karate and loving it. I have a theory that kids who are more involved, do better all around. I am sure there is some study about that. Donovan is now some sort of green belt I believe, I will have to check on that one. 

more than I can read

I think I have a problem with books.... I love to buy them, but can never find time (or make time) to read them. I know I have an earlier blog about buying books, I just can't help myself! At least I'm almost never paying full retail cost for them. Of the six books I bought a couple days ago, only one was new and I had a 33% of coupon. However, I still spent more on that one book than I did on all the other 5 added up after taxes. There is one book I borrowed, so really, I should get to reading that one so I can return it to my bishop (or rather, my former bishop). If I didn't have any responsibilities, I think all I would do is read. First I'd read though the entire bible (sooo much to learn!), then I'd read all the books on my bookshelf I have yet to read, then I'd go and get myself a library card and start checking out books (a whole lot cheaper and makes it easier to move because there are less books to lug around). But there is something to be said for owning a book that a library cannot substitute. .... well, off to bed I go, up at 4am for another training for work, wahoo! 

YES!

Yes! Isaac finally asked and I said YES!!! 

I've developed a new blog featuring Isaac and my relationship. Come on over and take a look at how we started and how he asked. 

Feel free to track our relationship through the planning of the wedding and our future together.

http://jenniandisaac.blogspot.com/

Transformation

"For they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God"-John 12:43

.

The last church I was a member of, before the LDS church, was a transformation ministry church. Their mission was to "save" college kids. Meaning, to help them get to know Jesus Christ, give their life to him, and find a good church that they could develop Christ-like qualities... I am paraphrasing here, but it's hard to capture in a single blog how amazing that church is, and has/had been, in my life. It impacted me greatly, and helped me to understand the bible a little more.  Essentially, that church was a preparatory church for where I am today. My entire life really has been a transformation.

Think back to someone you knew from high school... someone you either loved or hated. Where are they today? Are they were you thought they would be? Do you still hang out with anyone from high school? If so, are they exactly the same? Have you had the chance to have a high school reunion? Or run into someone you have not seen in a very long time? Is that person the same exact person from 5, 10, 15, 20+ years ago?

What makes us change and transform? Some people claim we never change, the only thing that changes is our point of view, but isn't that a change? Even if it's only from the books we read and the people we meet? Think back to when you were 5 years old (or however far back you can think). Do you remember the class bully? Do you think he is still that way? I've watched my 7 year old brother play with other kids around his same age and noticed something special that, dare I say, most adults do not have: the ability to quickly forgive and forget. Kids would rather just play and have fun. Sure, they get their feelings hurt, but it's so much more fun to forgive and play then it is to sit and cry----or like adults do, point the finger, blame, gossip, and hurt some more. 

The greatest miracle humans have is the ability to forgive one another and forget. I'm not suggesting becoming a walking target that can be easily taken advantage of, God gave us whits for a reason. I'm talking about letting go of things that just keep hurting us more and more, over and over. We humans have these great fantastic minds and imaginations, but they are so many times put to bad, negative or improper use.    

I can think of countless times I have "let my mind go wiled" with imagination of bad things happening, in work and relationships. I'm guilty of suspecting an innocent person of lying to me. I've imagined worse case scenarios when it comes to what my test score might turn out to be (when I was in school), or what my sales might be like for the month, or *gasp* what would happen if my boyfriend found a better woman (which would never happen, fyi). 

So, as humans, we find it hard to forgive for many reasons, mostly because of made up stories in our head. I'm confident when I say we've all said the following in our head, if not out loud, "Well, she's wrong, and I'm right, so she should be the one asking for an apology and then I might forgive her." OR

 "If I apologize, that means I'd be admitting I was wrong, and I'm not the wrong one, I didn't do anything wrong, so I have nothing to apologize for.....they have to come around and apologize to me first, they were in the wrong, not me." OR

"I know I shouldn't have done/said that, but they started it, and therefor I was just in my actions. Besides, they were more wrong that I am."

----forgiveness with conditions that need to be met, that's what we have in the above situations----

I am reminded of two scriptures from the New Testament. One is from Matthew 23:12, "Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted." Another from Matthew 18: 21-22, "Then came Peter to him, and said, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" Jesus said unto him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.""

As I understand it, there are some that read my blog that either do not have a faith or do not believe Jesus in our savoir. Some think religion is a crutch. Well, to those, this might not impact them as much (if at all). As for me, I love "my crutch," and will forever and ever. Jesus goes on to give a parable of forgiveness:

23¶Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would ^atake account of his ^bservants.

 24And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents.

 25But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be ^asold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made.

 26The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.

 27Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt.

 28But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him ^aan hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest.

 29And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.

 30And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt.

 31So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very^asorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done.

 32Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that ^adebt, because thou desiredst me:

 33^aShouldest not thou also have had ^bcompassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had ^cpity on thee?

 34And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him.     UAdd a Note 

 35So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts ^aforgive not every one his brother their trespasses.

I'm not sure why it aways surprises me that people have double standards. Some are so quick to judge and condemn others, but just as quick to forget when they were once in that position. 

"But MY situation is different"--- circumstances my be different, the debt may be higher or less, but it all comes back to the same ability we all possess, the ability to forgive. 

I believe the ability to forgive is what's in the heart of the transformation process. I was baptized into the the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints almost 7 months ago. The change in my didn't happen over night, in fact, I'm still going through changes and will continue for years. No one changes over night, old habits are hard to break. But I have given up a lot of things and made a lot of life-style changes. I've had to sell, donate, or throw away half my stuff in order to start my new life out here in Utah. I've moved away from all of my family in the hopes of starting a new life out here. I thank the Lord for modern day communication that allows me to stay so connected with everyone. 

I will continue to believe there is good in people even when no one else can see it. I will continue to forgive those who some believe, "don't deserve it." 

I know I am a good person, even though I have not always made the right decisions at the right time. My heart is in the right place. It seems I have those who choose to believe lies that that have been spread about me because from their point of view, they believe they really happened. That's fine, I belive life is 10% what happens to us and 90% of how we react to what has happened to us. There is a reason I am living 100% on my own and not what and where some other person dictates. People will have their opinions, that's the great agency the Lord has given us: we can choose what we think and how we react. I choose to believe some people will never change unless they have something life altering happen to them which forces them to want to change.... and even then, that change happens slowly- I am a living testament to that! 

Why some people read this blog and some don't, I have no idea. I don't write hoping to capture a lot of readers or even change people---- there is a 99% chance no one's life is going to be drastically changes by what I write, so, truthfully, I write for me. :-) mostly because it's something I really enjoy and it helps me to think and ponder. Like the warning in my first (or second?) blog on this site, this blog is for me-but feel free to stop, ponder, and think with me. :) Complaints? Comments? Concerns? I welcome them all! (please, be PG-this is a public blog...for now). 

Forgive me if this blog makes little or no sense, I've had a lot on my mind tonight, and it's now 5am. Good think I can sleep in tomorrow-er-today. :-)