This Moment and past

Lemme just give ya all an update on "Jen's Life" I know I've designed this blog to be about random thoughts, but as you might see, there are blogs that are very personal that I don't entirely mind sharing with the world, in hopes that it will help others too.

That being said, I'm going to give you some random rants and updates about my life

Work:
Seems to be the biggest one in people's lives (or school). In my life work sucks right now. The main reason being, I severely lack the self-discipline to go out and work the schedule how the company suggests. It's simple: work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, 48 weeks out of the year, and you can make about 50K before taxes. So why is something so simple so hard??? I have too much freedom, I over complicate things, I'm a perfectionist (which leads to procrastination), and I take things way to personally. Solution? I have been looking and applying to many different jobs. However, the ones that are hiring are for about $10 or less an hour, and are terrible. However, they have structure. 

I've financially dug myself into a hole that I don't know that I can ever get out of. IF I turn myself around, kick myself in the butt, and go out to work like the company suggests, then I can see things turning around. Sad though, I can work for four hours, not have a single sale, and then feel like giving up. UGH! It doesn't work like that. Sales is the toughest job out there for a reason, not everyone CAN do it. That's right, not everyone can do it. Sure, some people are convinced that they could do it IF they wanted to. But if they are not doing it, then it's because they can't. Still with FHL, but I'll give you an update if I chose to go elsewhere. 

Church:
Still loving the gospel, nothing's changed there. 

Like some, there are days that are tougher than others. Like when I have someone who I know is LDS blow me off the porch or be really weird and kinda mean towards me. I've found it's a different culture up here in Utah. There are some I highly doubt believe that the church is true, but stick around for fear of not belonging because they were raised in the church. That's sad, but in a way I understand. Hey, it wasn't easy for me to come into the church, I had a lot of people who thought I did it for a boy, and maybe they still think that, but I know the truth. 

I've been involved with the church a good deal now. Got called to be on the activities committee first, then get a higher calling to be a co-chair. At first I was scared because I have no idea what the activities committee even does. But, I've since kinda figured it out a little (only been at it a week and planned on event). I'm told it's kinda like for everyone too, not knowing what to do at first, but learning it, then moving on, haha, should be fun. 

This past Sunday I was asked if I would speak at next Sunday's sacrament meeting. Wow. I was suprised, but excited. My topic? "Hope and Perseverance" Really?? hahahaha, perfect. I've heard people who go up to give the talks start off with, "Putting together this talk has helped me more than anything." How true. Well, let's hope ;) 

Relationships:

My boyfriend Isaac came back from boot camp on Saturday. We've been spending almost every hour we can we each other. He makes my heart go pitter-patter. :-)  He's such an amazing guy. I'm not going to go into too many details here, but let's just say, things are going great.

I'm still not entirely sure where I "fit-in" up here. I've met a ton of people, a lot of them through Isaac, but then again, all of them through the church. I think because I've met Isaac so soon, it's been hard for me to reach out and become friends with others because I want to spend all my free time with him. I need to find other friends here. I have my wonderful friend Marisa back home, and I wish so much that she was here. She has been my rock through these past few months, I don't know what I would have done without her. I've got several people back home that I'm friends with, ya know, the kind I can call up and just go hang out, but I haven't developed any of those friendships here. Maybe that comes with time. Time and me getting out of my comfort zone. How can people get to know me if I don't reach out to them? Guess I'm the one holding back, mostly because I don't feel like I deserve to hang out with friends because I'm not putting in enough work effort. I need to work before I can play, right? It's not that I'm lazy, I love working, I just have a fear, the same fear that keeps me from reaching out to people to be their friends, fear of rejection. 

Last Sunday someone gave a talk on what I've been trying to do, "Live for the present" I'm also reading a book called, "The Power of Now" both are helping me to see a great perspective on life. 

When I'm worried about the past, I get down on myself, when I look to the future, I tend to picture worst case scenarios. When I'm in the present I feel really good. Like when I played kick-ball yesterday evening with my ward. It was fun! I was laughing, running, having a great time just being with the people there. There are times when me and Isaac are together, I am in happy land just being around him. BUT there are times, when I'm not as active, that I just sit around, worry and think too much. Nine times out of ten, those thoughts are bad. They even effect my dreams. I want to live for this moment. Whenever I'm in the moment, I feel just right. Too many times I am "waiting" for something to happen. Waiting for the day my financial troubles will just go away. Waiting for the perfect job to come along. Waiting to get married. Waiting to have kids. THEN when all that happens, things will be good. How much time do we spend just waiting?? It's takes effort, but I really have to learn how to live for the moment. It's refreshing when I do accept the moment for what it is, rather than what it might be or what it might turn into. Living in the moment is the best feeling ever. 

At this moment, I am sitting comfortably in my chair typing away. I have no pain in my body. I like the feeling of typing and the noise it makes. .... but even still, I find my mind likes to drift and wonder to places of worry, YUCK! Oh well, live and learn, that's the name of the game, right? 

What is Happiness?

I love learning and reading. It's no wonder I enjoy reading Psychology Today. There are always some awesome articles looking at life from different perspectives. I read an article the other day about being "normal" and what normal really means these days. Apparently, the people who think they might be crazy, usually are not, but the people who think they are normal, and usually the crazy ones... weird, right? 

Well, the article I have read more recently was titled, "The Pursuit of Happiness" (not the same as the book or movie). It dissected what happiness is and how to obtain happiness. As I read, I highlighted a few key points that seemed to jump out at me, and I reflected how that part pertains to, or could help in my personal life.

-"American tent to grab at superficial quick fixes such as extravagant purchases and fatty foods to subdue any negative feelings that overcome us... but they leave is poorer, physically unhealthy, and generally more miserable in the long run-and lacking in the real skills to get us out of our rut."

This may be the reason every summer I would go out and sell books door-to-door, I would gain weight. albeit only about 5-10lbs, but for someone as tiny as me, that's a lot. I found myself not working out (no time) and instead, filling myself will yummy treats every time I heard "no", which, in my line of work, is very often. 

What is happiness?

"It encompasses living a meaningful life, utilizing your gifts and your time, living with thought and purpose."

"It involves a willingness to learn and stretch and grow, which sometimes involves discomfort. It requires acting on life, not merely taking it in."

Looking back, I was most happy when I was very involved and spread thin. Starting with being in all accelerated classes from elementary- high school, and being involved with every club. Then in college, I would feel happy when I felt as though I was doing what I was suppose to do... completing a task on time, working or working out. In the summers, I felt my best just knowing I was putting in the work stats, even if the sales didn't come right away (and that might have been, at times, when I had the most discomfort, although, the most joy). 

Some of the headings for understanding happiness are:

 "Some People are Born Happy"
(Well, if you're not one of them, it's okay, happiness just comes to you differently)

"Getting What You Want Doesn't Bring Lasting Happiness"
(soon, you will want something else, or, if you can't get what you want you will soon learn to adapt and not want that thing any longer, or settle for something will less value)

"Pain is a Part of Happiness"

      "Happiness would be meaningless if not for sadness: Without the contrast of darkness, there is no light."

"Happiness Lies in the Chase"

     "...easy pleasures will never light us up the way mastering a new skill or building something from scratch will. And it's not crossing the finish line that is more rewarding; it's anticipating achieving your goal. ...working hard toward a goal, and making progress to the point of expecting a goal to be realized, doesn't just activate positive feelings-it also suppresses negative emotions such as fear and depression."

(It's no wonder Southwestern's model for success is so successful is followed. The model has us focus not on sales, but rather on working enough hours and seeing enough people in one day. Anyone can see 30 people in a single day, and if the goal is reached, the happiness will come, and the sales will follow.)

"Yes, Money Buys Happiness-At Least Some Money and Some Happiness"

(Money only makes us happy to the point our needs our met/live comfortably, then we tend to settle for whatever we can get... giving away money does make us happy, so if we gave away our "excess" money, then yes, we would have more happiness)

"Happiness is Relative"

"Options Make Us Miserable"

    "the paradox of choices, facing many possibilities leaves us stressed out-and less satisfied with whatever we do decide. Having too many choices keeps us wondering about all the opportunities missed."

(This is the complex I have been struggling with my entire life. I hate making decisions, because I always wonder if the decision I made was the right one, and is there a better decision I could have made? There is always better, and there is always worse. Currently I struggle with where to work. I am in the wonderful state of Utah, and even more wonderful town of Logan. To work in the city of Logan is great, too many people to see, so it always keeps be busy, but people are not as receptive as to doo-to-door solicitation as say, oh, people in the county would be. However, people in the country are far away, which cost more gas, and they are more spread out, making it harder to see as many people as I need to see in a day. I look at the good and bad in every situation, bottom line is that I just need to make a decision, and stick with it no matter what. In the Southwestern days we would call this “Marring our territory”. For better or for worse, it’s our territory so we might as well make the best of it. Also, I have “too much time”. In the summer I worried that I only had 11 weeks to hit my goal… well, there’s not that kind of pressure with this job, however, I need to make sales to pay my bills.)

“Happiness is Other People”

    “Good relationships are buffers against the damaging effects of all of life’s inevitable letdowns and setbacks.”

 (good people are good to have in our lives)

“Do Your Happiness Homework”

       “Becoming happier takes work, but it may be the most rewarding and fun work you’ll ever do.”

(Like reflecting in your journal all the things you are happy about, or just thinking happy thoughts; let’s fly!)

“You’re Wrong About What Will Make You Happy and You’re Wrong About What Made You Happy”

    “Things are almost never as bad-or as good- as we expect them to be.”

     “…forgo your own mental projections…”

 (too many times, I think, “nothing get’s better than this!” then it does, or, “It can’t get worse than this.” But it can. There are days when I don’t want to go to work because all I can think about is the rejection part of my job, and how the day might be a complete waist. But once I get started with work, I feel good about myself and what I am doing, and before I know it, I have a family protected and money in my bank account. Too many times I think I have the power to see into the future, and based on my prediction, that’s usually how things turn out. Ya know, the self-fulfilling prophecy. If I could turn my brain off, I just might be the happiest person on the planet.)

“Happiness Is Embracing Your Natural Coping Style”

           “The one-size-fits-all approach to managing emotional life is misguided.”

    (This one I love! Too often in my job I am told to set high goals, because that’s what’s going to push me. NOT TRUE!! If I don’t hit those super high goals I get down on myself and feel even worse, even if the number I did hit was pretty good. Or sometimes, I don’t try for anything. I think the goal is so out of reach, it’s not even worth my time to try it. So instead, I set a goal I know I can reach, so I have something I can work towards and feel good about when that goal is reached.)

“Happiness is Living Your Values”

      “If you aren’t living according to your values, you won’t be happy, no matter how much you are achieving.”

Happiness is different for each person. This article has at least helped me put into perspective some of the things that have been lacking in my life to reach my full happiness potential.